On the ice

I’m so proud of myself! I was out on the ice today, for the first time since the incident. I did actually made a small effort a couple of weeks ago, I think I ventured out about 5 metres and then turned back in a hurry, so that doesn’t count.

They have plowed a ring around the Kyrksjön lake in Ljusdal. During my lunch break, I went for a walk and I was determined that this time I wouldn’t chicken out, and I was lucky to actually see the plow drive on the ice so it gave me some confidence. I got on the ice without hesitation and at first I thought I was doing quite well… then I came to a spot where the plow had scraped off all the snow (if you look in the picture, you can see that there’s a thin layer of snow after the plow), and I had to stop. I realised that thus far, I had only walked on the thin layer and stepping on the clean ice was hard, but I forced myself to continue. Then I saw some waterlily pads inbedded deep in the ice, and I almost freaked out and I couldn’t force myself to go any further, I just turned back. But I did manage to stop to take a picture to prove that I was on the ice!


The mind is a strange thing. Why did I feel (relatively) safe on the thin layer of snow, but not in the deep snow or the scraped ice? Maybe the deep snow is scary because I can’t see what’s hidden underneath while the pure ice is the enemy. A thin layer hides just sufficiently – there’s nothing unknown, but I can’t see the enemy either.

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